The wind is rising.

We must try to live.

~~~

i dont know how i did it but i am able to get on this blog again
cannot really believe it yet, i've tried so many times and was so disappointed
but now...it just works.

i am here. writing. i am my brother's place in greifswald right now, vacation time. just like old times. only that i am over three years older than the last time i posted on here. wowowow.
nothing really happened since then really...i just quit school, started a voluntary year at a fostery, went to the clinic since i almost killed myself, moved in with my boyfriend back then in berlin, worked as a cashier, started studying, found new friends, broke up with my boyfriend, got my own room in a shared apartment in berlin, was awake for three days, went clubbing too much (at least for my taste), visited the beautiful lisbon, quit my studies again and now i will go to england in October. for 10 months.

(written down it does not feel like my life)

there is so much to organise right now and the fear finally caught up with (a bit) and i am realising what i've done (in a good way) so easily. i am leaving everything i built up the last two years behind me right now. but i do think that's the only way to get better. because i got bad again this past year since i broke up with my ex-boyfriend Moritz. I loved him. For a time i wasn't sure but i know now.

we'll see where the road goes from here. it is wide open.

♣•◘•♠•○•♣•◘•○

alrighty folks. it's been decades since i've posted on here,

 i am aware of that.

but i am with no means sorry 

because i spend my time focusing on me, myself and i

 which was a rarity before.

 i've had a lot of fun and quite a few new experiences, 

found my place in school, worked twice a week

 and earned some good money, booked some trips for the summer 

and realised a couple of things about life 

and the world. which is always good because maturing, growing...you know.

i am currently in my exams period again which sucks,

 to be quite frankly. 

but it'll pass again. 

and then it's finally summer time with all its beauty and benefits.

 you can't imagine how much i look forward to it.

 all the freetime, all the adventures i'll have with my beloved friends

 and even while making new ones.

i hope everyone had a great time the past two months 

while i was absent and lovely eastern!

here is my belated easter gift for you outhere

 who enjoy great music - you don't even have to search for it :)

- eggsies -

☼

let's run in fields and fear the dark together,

fall of swings and burn special things,

and both play outside in bad weather.

let's eat badly.

let's watch adults drink wine and laugh at their idiocy.

let's sit in the back of the car,

making eye contact with strangers driving past,

making them uncomfortable.

not caring.

not swearing.

don't fuck.

let's both reclaim our superpowers;

the ones we all have and lose with our milk teeth.

the ability not to fear social akwardness

to panic when locked in a cellar,

still sure there's something down there.

and while picking from pillows each feather,

let's both stay away from the edge of the bed,

forcing us closer together.

let's sit in public, with ice cream all over both our faces;

sticking pur tongues out at passers by.

let's cry.

let's swim.

let's everything.

let's not find it funny lest someone falls over.

classical music is boring.

poetry baffles us both;

there's nothing that's said is what's meant.

plays are long, tiresom, sullend and filled;

with hours that could be spent rolling down hills,

and grasing our knees on cement.

let's hear stories and both lose our innocence.

learn about parents and forgiveness,

death and morality,

kindness and art,

thus losing both of our innocent hearts,

but at least we won't do it apart.

grow up with me.

"We don't read and write poetry because it is cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medecine, law, buisness, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these things are what we stay alive for."

and here you go!

there's my beloved brother daniel standing on a mountain in new zealand!

i am so proud and happy for him

and you have to admit - it looks breathtaking!

he came back last friday and stayed over for a couple of days

which is great because i've really missed him!

and he had so many great stories and adventures to tell

i couldn't stop listening and wondering if i will ever go there myself.

he brought me and my mama some souvenirs and i absolutely adore them!

and, best of all, he invited me to a kajak trip this summer through the country

just with him and the wind and water.

what a lovely thing to look forward to, i'd say.

☼

oh darling

it was one of those march days
when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold,
when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade
and we just stood there smiling at each other 
with a look of comforting surprise on our faces
because, you know, it has always been you, darling.

always

well, it's been a while.

my birthday has already been a couple of weeks ago

and it feels so weird to be 'that' old now.

i celebrated my special day a few times with different people!

once with jacque, felix and some brownies,

 then on my actual birthday with felix and hannah 

and the saturday afterwards i went out with some friends,

 ate some nice food and got a few drinks in our local bar.

 it was utterly lovely, 

though there may has been a bit too much alcohol 

and other stuff flooded through my body the past weeks. 

but it made me forget my anxiety to get older

 and brought some new experiences and thoughts with it. 

so all in all i am quite alright, i suppose.

 i still drink too much tea

 and listen to too many sad songs.

therefore i can't have changed too much

 eventhough i am now officially seventeen years old.

--

i think it's been winter for too long now

so i decided i'd be alright to put on some more spring appropriate clothes.

this is what i wore when i went out for dinner with some friends

and it was really comfy which is the only thing that really counts!

some people stared weirdly at me though

but that happens everytime i wear skirts, overknees etc.

outside the house

       crop top - brandy mellville

chunky cardigan - primark

    burgundy skirt - brandy mellville

       tights - supermarket

black socks - h&m

my brother is in tokyo right now

as i told you before.

he is going to stay there for three more days

and i think, it looks so cool and i wish could be with him!

(though he is not the guy on the photo!

that's just a friend who is accompanying him, i guess.)

it's always been me and my brother's dream to go to japan

and we even started to learn japanese together for a few weeks 

when i was in the sixth grade

but i gave up pretty quickly and read more mangas instead :p

and now he is the first one to finally make our dream come true!

i am so glad at least one of us did

but then again there is still alot of time left for me to follow him!

--

i've been visiting a painting course
every saturday of a new month for quite some time now
and i finally discovered my passion for paint and brushes again.

it's been some time because the art
we make at school is always so technical 
and full of theory and pressure.
there, it's not about fun and expressing your inner emotions
but about good grades and applied rules.
due to these circumstances i stopped painting privately
because it was already too much to handle in class
but in this course, with all these lovely, lovely people
that never critize your choices on your picture
is just so... fantastic, as the doctor would say.

this sunflower painting was just a sketch for a canvas
that i put aside when it was in the middle of making
just because i felt like it
and it was okay for everyone. 
but most of all it was okay for me.

☼

carl and rosa picked me up

from the train station on saturday

with the bike and some flags in their hands

of countries they have never heard before. 

when i asked them why they brought them, 

they simply answered

 that this was a gesture of welcome for me.

i wish i'd still be that little

and my only problems would be 

my annoying brother and my tangled hair.

iwishwishwish.

we took a quick tour with the bycicles

 because the weather was so overhelmingly beautiful

but after a while rosa got really tired 

and we had to walk 

and i gave her some bonbons to boost her energy.

it was lovely.

otherwise i spend most of my weekend inside a train

which i don't mind because i love travelling

with music in my ears

and my thoughts in my head.

--  

i am not entirely sure

if i mentioned it on here before

but i've been searching for a part time job recently

and guess what?

i have an interview tomorrow at my local bakery!

and i am so excited and nervous

though it would be really great working there

since it's right around the corner 

and i desperately need to start safing some money

for my driver's licence and my holidays!

and i also started to give tutoring lessons in english

 for the son of a friend

which brings a few bucks as well.

though it's really not much 

but i enjoy teaching thoroughly, i'd have to admit!

i am bit too happy right now

and that scares me a little

because i know how fast happiness can be taken away from you again.

but otherwise i am enjoying life quite extraordinarily at the moment

andihopeitstaysforever

i went to movies with my mama yesterday 

and we watched 'monuments men' which was réally good and thpughtful!

tommorrow i am going to my dad's place for one day 

just to see my little siblings again.

and on sunday i will meet up with kathi, alex and nicole

- three really old friend of mine 

and i am so glad we stayed in touch troughout all these years!

and ofcourse, i have a ton of homework to do

and alot of pressure to comprehend

but i think i will be just fine.

ø

solange ich atme, hoffe ich.

 

my birthday is less than a month away and again

i am so scared to get older

because with becoming so

so much more expectations and obligations come along

that you cannot longer hide from anymore.

but what do they expect from a foolish little girl?

•

 

"you'll never enjoy your life,
living inside the box
you're so afraid of taking chances,
how you gonna reach the top?

rules and regulations,
forced to play it save 
get rid of all the hesitation,
it's time for you to seize the day.

instead of just sitting around
and lookng down on tomorrow 
you gotta let your feet off the ground,
the time is now."

►

i decided that a for me unusual post would do this blog a bit good

so why not showing you what i am currently reading?

and yes, before you ask

i have the bad habit to read tons of books 

at the same time.

i always do that.

and that's why i need quite abit of time

 to finally finish one.

so if you ever think about borrowing me a book

remember that you won't see it again 

any time soon!

but still, i am huge fan of reading - i always was and always will!

the first book are poems by the lovely lang leav 

and i got it for christmas

it's been following me everywhere since then

 because i just enjoy to read a little poem now and then.

the second one is in german and it's 'atonement' by ian mcewan.

 you've probably heard of it before.

quite intense actually.

then another collection of poems.

 this time by the extraordinary emily dickinson

and i've been a huge fan of her work for quite some time now.

she just kind of has the ability to grasp the deepest thoughts of your heart

 and play with them

 in a way you'd never imagine to be possible.

and last but not least: 'anna karenina' by leo tolstoi.

 a classic

 but i just haven't had the time until now to finally start reading it.

 i am now halfway through and it's utterly interesting,

 suspenseful, sometimes its explaining itself way too much

 but that's the way tolstoi tells his stories

 and i find this kind of topic really thoughtprovoking and interesting

 and you will eventually find me sitting in a corner with this book in my hand

 and a ruminative look on my face.

◘◘◘

some old pictures i found on my phone while searching through it.

almost a whole year has passed since these we're taken

 and it still feels like yesterday.

such lovely sunny days.

spend with only the best people and the best thoughts.

hopefully i will have such times again soon.

oldiesbutgoldies.

on friday i met some new people

because a friend of mine, gina, invited me over to drink a few glasses

and these boys were pretty funny and utterly nice.

it's always a bit hard for me to finally come in contact with fresh faces

 and to get out of my comfort zone 

but then again i am always glad afterwards

when i did it and had a great time.

idontknow.

just thought i'd share that with you!

♣

"He is like fire and ice and rage. He is like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. He is ancient and forever. He burns at the center of the time and he can see the turn of the universe...

                 And he is wonderful."